Happy Thanksgiving America! As we feed our gluttonous appetites, let us reflect on what we all have to be thankful for. There are the usual staples of course; family, friends, health, and wealth. But let us be honest, most of that is just turkey stuffing. Deep down we are all selfish greedy bastards. We’ll take the health and wealth in copious amounts, but family and friends can be hazardous if not taken in careful moderation.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, a wedding or funeral here and there, but any more than that may lead to mass casualty situations. Did you know that the main reasons for mass shootings are dysfunctional families and toxic relationships? Well, not really but I do suspect a strong correlation. But I digress. What do we really have to be thankful for? What makes this cruel world slightly bearable and prevents us from hurling ourselves into on-coming traffic?
Happy Thanksgiving America! We’re not Dead, yet…
If you are reading this then you are probably not dead yet, and that’s always a good thing. Unless you are at a dysfunctional Thanksgiving dinner or listening to Fergie butcher the national anthem. But don’t be thankful that you are simply alive. Instead, be thankful that you haven’t died some horrible grotesque closed-casket death, yet.
In the past there used to be saber-tooths and megalodons that could devour us and casually shit us out. We once were the corn in other creatures’ crap. Then the megafauna died out and left us to our own devices. We were thankful. But it didn’t take us long to cook up crueller methods to torture and kill each other. Consequently, we came up with crucifixions and quarterings, brazen-bulls and iron-maidens. There were hordes of Mongols who boiled their enemies alive for sport, and caravans of conquistadors who enslaved their captives for gold.
Death is a lot more sophisticated in 2018. Although there’s plenty of opportunities to go out old school. You can still get butchered at the old Saudi embassy. Just make an appointment. Nowadays there are a variety of ways to die a horrible death. You got your ultra-modern ultra right-wing mass shooters toting high powered assault rifles, and religious fanatics wearing bespoke apparel. It’s a miracle we are all not dead yet; blown up by some zealot from Riyadh or pussy-grabber from Washington, consumed in the fires of a nuclear furnace, or turned to jelly by some exotic disease. Be thankful for that.
Be Thankful! Your Dick still works…
And what’s the point of being alive if you can’t enjoy life. But what is the purpose of life? The purpose of all life is to eat, fuck, and die. That’s an exact quote from Darwin by the way. If we stop eating we die. If we stop fucking we die. We eat so we can be strong. Being strong makes us sexy, i.e. attractive to the opposite sex. As long as we are sexy we will fuck. Therefore the secret to a long life is eating good food, fucking the right people, and masturbating daily.
We’ve got an evolutionary advantage. Other animals can’t masturbate. Most are anatomically incapable. Primates, on the other hand, no pun intended, can self-pleasure, therefore fooling our biological clocks into slowing down. But there’s a lot of people out there that are not fucking or masturbating enough. They stopped being strong and sexy. They gave up on themselves somewhere along the way and are content with dying, slowly.
So as we spend the holidays satisfying our gluttony and making turkey-stuffing promises, let us pay homage to our sexier selves. We owe it to our species to be strong and sexy. We are sexual creatures and when we are strong and sexy we are truly at our best. If you are in a relationship you owe it to your partner, but most of all you owe it to yourself. Be sexy. Take pleasure in your ability to give and receive pleasure. Be thankful for that.
Be Thankful! You can still wipe your own Ass…
No one appreciates a well-wiped ass more than a diarrheic man with no hands. It’s a shitty feeling. The ability to wipe one’s own ass effectively implies several conclusions. Firstly we assume the ass-wiper in question has access to quality toilet paper which is a key ingredient in the whole postmodern ass-wiping scene. Secondly, we assume the location of the said ass-wiping will be a place of safety, quiet, and comfort. Thirdly and most importantly, we assume that there is both physical and mental ability to complete the task cleanly and competently.
You should not take wiping your own ass for granted. There are many people that are physically and mentally incapable of performing such a rudimentary task. And many of those who have the ability lack the resources to do a world-class job. There may be crumpled newspapers or itchy leaves laying on the floor instead of soft rolls of toilet paper. And instead of a pearly white glistening porcelain bowl, there may be a shallow hole in the ground and swarms of buzzing and biting insects circling around.
Wiping our own ass is a definitive attribute of being an adult. The path to personal independence started on the day we learned to wipe our own ass. It was perhaps the first indication that we didn’t need mom or dad in the long run. This business was our business and nobody else’s. There was no looking back after that. Before we could conquer the world we first had to learn how to take care of ourselves. If you are still physically, mentally, and financially able to wipe your own ass, that means you’re not doing so bad. Things could be a lot worse. Be thankful for that.
Happy Thanksgiving America! You’re still an Asshole…
Be proud of it. Own it. Its 2018 for Christ’s sake. Future civilizations will know this time as the golden age of assholes. Make your mark. Stake your claim. Here’s the recipe. First, get on social media. It’s the Broadway of the asshole trade. Every asshole in the world is on Twitter, Facebook, IG, and YouTube. You could write a blog and start a website. Then learn about SEO and social media marketing to get people to read, watch, and listen to your asshole rants. But don’t forget to keyword and hashtag.
The important thing is to be a well-rounded asshole. No one likes an ignorant asshole who prefers the sound and smell of their own excretions over logic and common sense. That’s the problem with the world today. Too many assholes pushing things out, and not enough assholes putting things in. Wait. That totally came out wrong. What I mean to say is that its okay to be an asshole, just don’t be too tight. Loosen up. Open yourself up to things. Don’t squeeze yourself off from new ideas and experiences. Just let it happen. Its alright. It will be our little secret.
Never before in human history has the asshole had access to such vast resources and so wide an audience. Being an asshole is big business these days. No longer is the asshole kept confined to the village square. He can be everywhere all at once. You have the freedom to have an opinion, even if you choose not to have one. But if you choose to open up, don’t just pass gas or spew shit. Be a useful pleasant-to-be-around asshole. Don’t be a useless dirty asshole. But who knows? You could be President one day. Be thankful for that.
Happy Thanksgiving America! Donald Trump is President…
And that brings us to the last reason we should all be thankful. We should all appreciate Donald Trump like a mother appreciates the hot fire that burns her obstinate children. Oh you gonna learn today! Donald Trump has shown America’s unwiped ass to the world and it’s the greatest show on earth. America had long been seen as the unassailable bastion of all the benevolence of mankind. That was complete bullshit. That lie concealed the ugly truth of what America really is. A violent, bigoted, xenophobic, white-christian-conservative-right-wing-nationalist state.
America, you are an asshole. The biggest asshole the world has ever known. Own it! Wear your MAGA hat with pride. You installed Donald Trump as your asshole emperor because he embodied everything that you really are. You saw yourself in him and thought he could lead you to the asshole promised-land. He grabbed you by the pussy and got you to sign a non-disclosure agreement. Donald Trump told America that she was a piece of shit and that he could make America great again. And America believed that asshole.
Empires fall, and walls cannot protect them from the enemies that lie within. America elected Donald Trump and now the inmates are running the asylum. Little Donny has got the matches and the gasoline and he’s about to throw a terrible tantrum. He’s going to burn this bitch down if he doesn’t get what he wants. In his own unique way, Donald Trump has shown us how quickly sanity and morality can disappear, and how easily we can succumb to our baser nature if we don’t remain vigilant. He’s shown us how easily we can fuck it all up. Be thankful for that.
Happy Thanksgiving America! Live life, be sexy, do something, be you, appreciate what you have…
So in the spirit of this Thanksgiving season, let us all take the time to think about what we should really be thankful for. It’s not always obvious. Sometimes the most important things in life are covered in bullshit. We just have to dig a little to uncover what really matters.
Take these as simple suggestions. Nothing more. They are just things we should all be thankful for in some strange way or another. There is knowledge to be acquired in every action and wisdom to be attained in every experience. Happy Thanksgiving America!
If you liked this piece, please check out my articles on the love affair between America and Donald Trump, the life and legacy of Stan Lee, the history of Pekiti-Tirsia Kali, the myths and realities of Martial Arts, and the history of Reggae music! Check back weekly for new pieces, and don’t forget to “like” “share” and “follow us” on social media!